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	COUPLING - SERIES THREE
'SPLIT' - Series 3 - Episode 1
	"It's a gift." "Spooky, isn't it?" "Yeah, I hate phoning. You never know who's gonna answer." Steve: You do realise you're supposed to phone specific people right? "Yeah, still you know what it's like...you phone someone, someone you know, or a woman and you don't know what's going on. You're just suddenly in the middle of someone's house. Anything could be happening. They could be old people naked." Patrick: But you wouldn't be able to see them! "But they could be out there... rustling." "Jenny Turbot.... The worst phone call I ever made. It was my final year at school and there she was Jenny Turbot. It was like she came to life like from one of my magazines as if all the candles and chanting had finally worked. I'd never seen a woman that gorgeous fully dressed. Clothes looked wrong on her somehow. As if she'd developed a fault. I fell completely in love with her. Totally. I knew she was the one. Everyone else called her the school bike, said she would put out for absolutely anyone...and it wasn't just that. And I got her number right. It took me ages but I got it. I remember it was on a little scrap of paper. The Turbots actual phone number. That little scrap of paper gave me the best time of my life. A month of complete sexual bliss. In the end, I had to phone her before it fell apart. She knew who I was. She remembered me. No one ever remembered me , but the Turbot, she remembered. And we were just chatting away and it was easy and I just asked her out I just did it. An actual date." Patrick: So what went wrong? "Well, her ex suddenly turns up again doesn't he? Barry, 'Barry the Bastard'. Before you know it they're shagging away like maniacs. I kept asking her out obviously. I pleaded. But she was too busy with all the endless shagging. So, in the end, I just had to hang up." Steve: She was having sex with the guy while you were still on the phone? "Actually I think the phone was involved." Steve: Oh dear god. "That was as close as I got to Jenny Turbot. I was a sex aid for her and Barry the Bastard. I counted it as 1/2 a point." "No, I don't talk to women when they're emotional. They're allowed to slap you." Steve: What over the phone? "She'll remember for the next time. Women remember Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own." "You've never withheld your number?" Steve: Well why would I? "Oh, you know...purposes." "They're on to us! They know exactly where we are." "When I was a kid I use to imagine that the girls in my magazines could see me. They were shouting 'Pervert Pervert!'" "Oh, I not a very good dancer." "Jenny.... it's me. Jeff, Jeff Murdock. We were at school together" Jenny: Oh my god! Scary Jeff?! "See! She remembers me. The Turbot remembers me" "Well, you're practically there then." "Naked women, naked naked women, naked naked women naked women naked"
'FAITHLESS' - Series 3 - Episode 2
	"There's a lot in Hi." Steve: There are two letters in hi. "Yeah, and I hit both of them like a crazy fool. It was like a disaster movie, halfway through the H, I'm thinking "no, no pull out now!". Have you ever tried to pull out during an H? Steve: Jeff the world in all it's fabulous diversity is entirely populated by people who have never tried to 'pull out during an H' "Do you know why? Cos it isn't a proper letter. It's just a, just a 'huh' noise. Once you've started on the 'huh' you've basically 'huh-ed' so what could I say? Hello? How are you...hippo?" Patrick: Hippo? "You can't say hippo. You don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic." Steve: It's just so ironic that you should have that as a specific ambition "So I said 'hi'. Suddenly it was out there, suddenly that little word was hanging in the air pouting" Steve: Pouting? "Like a scantily dressed prostitute reclining on a street lamp." "It's not just some woman Steve. Wilma...I have a history with Wilma Lettings." "The shelf above the photocopier fell down and trapped my head...that's not the point. The point is the new and terrifying location of my arse. My arse is now starring Wilma Lettings in the face. The more I tried to get my head out, the more I have to move my arse. It's an arse nightmare. An arsemare. There I am, innocently trying to free my head from a photocopier, and my ass is wiggling about like an arse maniac. Like an, like an arse of insanity in the mind of a madman. Right in the face of Wilma Lettings. Actually I think I heard laughter" Steve: Yeah? Patrick: It's possible "So what with all the laughter and everything I refused to come out from the photocopier. Nobody knew it was me. And they'd all be gone by 6 o'clock. I just had to stay in there for 40 minutes and there was a chance, just a chance that I could walk in the next morning and for once in my life avoid total humiliation. I made one tiny mistake...500 A4 photocopies of my face." 'It's in the top three." "I urinated behind Lorraine Kelly during a live outside broadcast." Wilma: Right "My mother saw it on a video wall in Dixons. She called the whole shop over before...events unfolded. Wilma: OK "At first she thought I was going to be a guest. Imagine her disappointment. "Oh no, don't worry. Apparently, I have a website.." "And sorry again about the whole photocopier/slash arse incident. God knows what you thought from where you were sitting." Wilma: Actually I just thought you were photocopying the wrong end. "Did she mean 'nice bottom' or 'you were being an arse'?" "Does she dislike me facially, or like me bottomly?" "Do you know what arses are Patrick? Arses are the human races' favourite thing. We like them on each other. We like them on magazine covers. We even like them on babies. When we're alone we like to scratch them. When there's a fire, we like to warm them and who among us hasn't, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle? We love our arses. When God gave us our arses he had to stick them around the back just so that we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day. 'Cos when God made the arse he didn't say, 'hey it's not your basic hinge, lets knock off early.' He said, 'behold ye angels I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, man and woman shall grab hold of these and shout my name.' "I am grappling with the most ancient dilemma of man. She likes me, but which end?" "Nothing's wrong, I'm just alert."
'UNCONDITIONAL SEX' - Series 3 - Episode 3
	"No, no I'm being nervous in general. You just happened to be nearest." "You've got a boyfriend, it might seem provocative." "Er, Wilma? This sex thing you mentioned..." Wilma: What's the amtter sex doesn't make you nervous too does it? "Sex? No, no not at all. No it's just like cuddling only damper." "I'm not bad, I've never been bad" Wilma: You haven't? "I'm fairly new to mild naughtiness." "Well, there's your face. You can't miss that. I don't mean it's enormous or anything but it's very frontal. Which is great. I like women's fronts. I'm just talking about your face, not anything interesting. No, I'm sorry. I 'm sure your face is every bit as interesting as your ummm......." "She's somewhere between completely imaginary and a truck. If you can picture that?" Wilma: Sounds great... "Yes, but how are you suppose to prove you've got a girlfriend? Photographs, hair samples, swabs? You try to convince my mother." "No I'm fine, don't worry. Well, not that fine obviously...but I'm not the one who died, so I'm ahead." Wilma: Well was she ill? "Yeah but nothing serious. Well serious in one way obviously Wilma: Well how can you say it wasn't serious if she died from it? "She made an unsuccessful recovery." "Well, you know she's dead. It's not like she comes when you call her." "It's just one of those bloody loos. It just needs to settle down a bit." Wilma: Jeff would you be telling me a very stupid lie because you're afraid to be alone in your flat with me? "Well, let me put it this way...yes." "Wilma, I've done something a bit, well..... naughty."
'REMEMBER THIS' - Series 3 - Episode 4
	"Ok, maybe I can help you. You know jelly wrestling?" Steve: Jelly wrestling? "Which is basically jelly with women wrestling in it." Steve: We're familiar with the concept yes "Ok, well, think about this afterwards, after the wrestling. What happens to the jelly?" Steve: The jelly. "Because you could sell that. That... is a missed opportunity. You could bottle and sell it.." Steve: Ok "You'd take the women out first, obviously." Steve: Good "There'd just be a hint." Steve: Are you in any way moving in the direction of relevance? "Relevance? Steve, do you realize what I just invented? Porn Jelly. The human races' two most favourite things meet at last. In dessert form." Steve: Jeff! "There's a lot of lonely people out there Steve. What do lonely people enjoy? Puddings and porn. Now, for all your needs, pudding porn. It's a girlfriend in a jar except it's jelly." Steve: Jef can I ask again how this is relevant to Patrick's dream? "I was kinda hoping something would come up"
'THE FRECKLE, THE KEY AND THE COUPLE WHO WEREN'T' - Series 3 - Episode 5
	"Guys! Emergency... How long do intestines take?" "Ok, ok, if you swallowed something, something valuable say, how long before it's found it's way back to the light?" Steve: Back to the light? "Yeah the light at the end of the..." Steve: Yes thank you Jeff I have the image! Once again a dark new place has opened in my mind. "Look, I just need to know how long before it's ringside." "Well we were just spending a quiet night in front of the television and in the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery. Steve: You what? "There was a swallowidge incident. I swallowed an item. Now normally when I swallow Julia's jewellery it doesn't really matter..." Steve: Jeff please! 'Normally' has never been used in that sentence before. "Well you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real life girlfriend. It's like you've got a woman with a nudity switch. And, sometimes when she's lying there and she's just so, so, totally naked I can't control myself. I just sort of Hoover...Obviously, now and then in the course of any kind of nudity hovering you're gonna ingest items it's just part of the relationship. But, she usually don't usually notice so normally I remain calm, let nature take its course and then in due time slip the relevant items back into her jewellery box." Steve: I see "I don't mean directly." "I've been to the chemists. I bought every laxative in the shop. What happens if I take all of them at once? Do you think there is a danger of lift off?" "Fact of life, the longer a man doesn't see a woman naked the more he turns into a giant hover-pig." Julia: Jeff I suggested you tie me up and treat me mean and you went out shopping for an hour. "Well it was only my first attempt" Julia: Well shopping for what for god's sake? "Provisions" Julia: Provisions? "Well, yeah. I thought what with all this bondage sex going on, I better get some sandwiches." Julia: Come over here...did you get nervous again? "Kinda nervous yeah" Julia: As bad as Brighton? "About that bad" Julia: Well I'm glad you didn't make it that far this time. "Have you ever killed anyone locally?" Joe: You got a problem with your ears? "Well sometimes I think they're a slightly different colour to the rest of my head" "That was me. That was me. Sometimes I like to talk to myself in a woman's voice, for company. Just when I'm on my own you know. I like to play a game of girlfriend. 'Hello Jeffrey. You're home at last. Go and tidy up your room.'" "I just got a bit of a fright. On the plus side though, I found the key." "It's funny watching you putting your clothes on. It's like the opposite of good." "Well, sometimes you're just so naked."
'THE GIRL WITH ONE HEART' - Series 3 - Episode 6
	"No, she never. Oh, serious problem Steve. Top of the range problem. Problem number one. Steve: Number one? "This is like captain problem. This is like....Houston forget that other thing." Steve: Why is it always problem number one? Why isn't it ever problem number 27? "What? Trapped dental floss?" "Your actual toilet door, lockless...Steve, you can never go to the toilet again." Patrick: What's so important about a lock? "You need to be enclosed. Secure all areas. Otherwise you can't declench." Patrick: Declench? Steve: Declenching is out of the question without a lock. Patrick: No offence but have you guys ever been declenched? "You need security. You need to be able to say to yourself "I'm safe, I'm alone. No one's going to walk in and laugh. Mummy's gone to the shops." Steve: Ok scaring me now. "You've got to be really quiet incase there's any secret listeners" Steve: Secret listeners? "Yeah, there could be secret listeners. You can't rule them out." "Sally could be a lesbian." Steve: Jeff please! "Bit of effort. No problem." Steve: But she isn't, that's the point. "It could happen though. It could happen...She could be having a shower, maybe and probably Jane would be there and she might happen to say, 'Jane could you help me soap my breasts?' 'Your breasts Sally?' 'Yes Jane, it's those tricky undersides.' 'Oh, I know what you mean Sally breasts can be a real dirt trap. Let me get the shower nozzle.'" Steve: You understand that there's a difference between real life and low quality lesbian porn? "You don't know that. You don't know what woman get up to on their own. Why reject the only evidence we have?" Steve: It's not evidence "It might be, maybe women are completely different when we're not with them. Maybe they're not cross all the time." "Steve, I've worked out how to go to the toilet. I'm going to your loo right now and I'm not a bit scared. Ask me why?" Steve: Jeff, Patrick's new girlfriend's here. Promise me you wont frighten her. "Why would I frighten her? ... Do you want to see my secret toilet weapon? "Area secure 007." "I wasn't in the bathroom on purpose there's no lock on the door!" Steve: We got that "I'm not like a secret listener or something...Not that I'm saying you make a lot of noise. You're very quiet."
'PERHAPS, PERHAPS, PERHAPS' - Series 3 - Episode 7
	"Lesbians are porn efficient. It's sex with a greater density of women. Porn wise, lesbians are like a jam sandwich without the sandwich and just the jam. In fact, lesbians are just a big blob of jam. Well, not actually. Unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement. Also, in bloke driven porn you run the risk of potential dangerous eye slippage." Susan: Eye slippage? "If, in the climactic seconds your eye slips from the girl to the bloke the sudden shock can cause a whiplash event. And trust me, lower whiplash is not an injury you want to have to explain while you're being stretchered out through your mother's coffee morning." "When Patrick walks these corridors every sperm in the building pricks up it's ears. 'The mother ship! I hear the call of the mother ship!'" "Can I get you anything? Jane: I think I'm fine actually. "Anything at all?" Jane: What have you got? "Four biscuits and an apple." Jane: Oh "I've owned the apple for awhile it's probably still broadly feasible but I wouldn't want to talk it up." Jane: I'm fine really. "It's very easy to miss the apple window, isn't it? I get very tense around apples." Jane: You do? "Well I get very tense in general. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit. "I had this really weird dream about Julia just last night" Jane: Well dreams are very important Jeffrey. "We were roaming the African plains together, wild and free. She was a lioness leaping from tree to tree and biting gazelles. And Joe was a lion form a rival pride and he was trying to steal her away from me. And I was an otter. Which made things quite difficult in the combat zone. Anyway, Joe and Julia ran off together and I tried to chase after them but it was really hard cos there were no rivers running that way. The African plains are really under rivered pursuit-wise and then just as I was about to catch up with them by this unexpected, marina...there was this terrible roar, my mother sprung from the undergrowth, scooped me up in her jaws and carried me back to the pride. Jane: So your mother was a lion too? "No." "It's all rubbish isn't it? Jane: Rubbish? "They're not exploring their feelings, they're leaving" Jane: Yeah I know. "We don't deserve this" Jane: We really really don't deserve this Jeffrey. "Sorry Jane, I've got to go." Jane: Where?! "That was Steve...he wants me to go straight to his house, collect all his pornography, his favourite pillow and some snacks and meet him at this location" Jane: Why? "Well, I didn't think to ask..." "I invented this dance!"

Quotes compiled with the help of Sue Kirtland