COUPLING - SERIES TWO
'THE MAN WITH TWO LEGS' - Series 2 - Episode 1

"THE KEY "

"CURSE"
'Premium shapely, top level, quality shapely...and long...usually with a red shoe'

'When you're in love you can see past not seeing stuff'

'You look just like the back of your head'

'I'm just saying it's great to see your legs together for once'

'Believe me, I'm not trying to part your legs'

'I've probably got a little bit of an idea'

'I've got the key to the gates of paradise but I've got too many legs'
'MY DINNER IN HELL' - Series 2 - Episode 2

"SUMMER HOLS "
'Yeah Steve's whole fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup, if he ever meets Mariella Frostrup in person his right hand will shout "Mother!" '

'Hey! Organ music...'

' "You're shaking the caravan Jeffrey!" '

'Or your mother starts making enormous sculptures of erections and filling the house with them. That's what I hate'

'...and a lot more often than you realise'

'Ok, that's just one step too far'

'Yeah, we don't need accounts. We don't need codenames. So just wrap that will you'
'HER BEST FRIEND'S BOTTOM' - Series 2 - Episode 3

"THREE WORDS"

"LIES"
'It's got a lot of lines?'

'Best friends and sisters, you can talk to them, you can be friends with them, but you never get a backstage pass'

'Captain subtext isn't a real person Steve"

'Everytime I told a lie, he's sneak in and remove another segment'

' "Keep up with all your lying Jeffrey...I've always wanted a daughter" '

So, having a bit of car trouble?'

'You could say you're undecided about spots'

'Sally's arse has tasted freedom and it's never going back'

'I'm not, no, I'm not. I'm staring at your face'

'Cleft'

'Buttocks...gusset...bicycle saddle'
'THE MELTY MAN COMETH' - Series 2 - Episode 4

"THE MELTY MAN"

"NUZZLING"
'Don't say his name Patrick, don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work inside your terrified pants"

"...without the helmet'

'Maybe you're licking her neck too much, are you over wetting her neck?'

'Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish them both together and do them both at once?'

"Should you be making noises jet? Is it too soon to grunt?'

'Don't think about premature ejaculation or anything like that'
'JANE AND THE TRUTH SNAKE' - Series 2 - Episode 5

"CHAT-UP LINE"

"CHARGED"
'Why not, why not an arse beach? There are many dedicated breast beaches'

'Fact is some women don't have large breasts, and they're people too. Maybe they'd like the freedom to show us their bottoms instead of their breasts. Maybe they'd enjoy a more flexible arse friendly beach that says..."Hey so long as you've got cleavage, who cares which way it's facing"'

'You've had threesomes? That's fantastic. Sex with two complete women...that's total...brilliant'

'Steve, sex with two whole women, think of the advantages...they can't both fall asleep. If one of them suddenly leaves or punches you, you've still got one left. If one of them plays that old sneaking out of the window trick, there's someone there to untie you. It's total genius.'

'...and all those breasts! Your bed would be like a breast car park. It'd be like being attacked by the giant breast octopus but only this time your mother wouldn't wake you up before the good bit.'

'Jeffrey, Jeffrey, you're vibrating the light fittings'

'Ribbed!'

'No you're not dead, you look, you look great. You're not decomposing or anything...I'm not just saying that'

'I'm always this nervous, you're just closer, you can see better'

'So when you said did I have any plans for the evening you didn't just want the sofa?'

'Well yeah, obviously'

'Don't be daft! You know what as long as you've got breasts it doesn't matter which way they're facing'

'Especially the tongues part. I love getting all that extra tongue. You know sometimes I eat really cold ice cream so my tongue goes numb and it feels like someone elses...but we all get lonely sometimes'

'That would be, that would be like, that would be like, an octopus'

'Wait but there's just two of us, which is great obviously that's like a whole other person than normal...'

'I can take Patrick'
'GOTCHA' - Series 2 - Episode 6


"WILF"

'Steve, you know what the sentence of death is don't you? I don't mean the sentence of death like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one. Just five words Steve. Five little words..."where is this relationship going'?

'Those are the words you're going to hear tonight Steve and once those words are out of her mouth, you can't put them back. Not once the cat of commitment's out of the bag of Susan'

'Well there's quite a lot of her'

'I went to the cinema with this girl once, she forgot me while we were still there. She went to the loo, came back and sat with someone else...no hang on, it was a restaurant'

'We'd love to wouldn't we darling'

'No, no, I'd rather stand...blame Wilf'
'DRESSED' - Series 2 - Episode 7

"NAKED JANE"
'A torch?! Torches work on dresses?'

'You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know, that somewhere in that room shifting all the time is the V.A.A. The Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight right to base camp. You just have to switch chairs right, or maybe move your head a bit, or accidentally fall on the floor and there'll be nothing but clear air between intimate sighting number one...Sorry I was just thinking about skirts'

'Naked? Can I speak to her? "Hi Jane, it's Jeff"...thanks'
'NAKED' - Series 2 - Episode 8

"NICE EYES "

"TONGUES"

"N.A.T."

"PUBERTY @ 30?"
'Amazing, gorgeous, like Alison from The Red Lion only with more eyes. Amazing eyes, top of the range eyes'

'You haven't seen them Steve. It's like she's got hundreds!'

'Well maybe you don't have to moisten quite so much'

'Oh, I didn't actually, but I'd know that lasagna anywhere'

'N.A.T. The first step along the path to the forest of woman. The first signpost along the road to
intimate squelchy'

'No! I was just moving my mouth in your general area and it snagged'

'It's not true! I never use my tongue on people. It's just for stamps and emergencies!'

'I know...mothers eh? Didn't you find your mother would turn up in your bedroom doorway at the worst possible moment and say 'Oh! Jeffrey!'

'She didn't really have a miniature guillotine you know. I'm sure she was making that up'

'No I, I thought I might stay for a bit, couple of minutes, don't want to rush it'

'What are you talking about?! She thinks I'm a cupboard loiterer'

'I'm nearly thirty you know. I'm not 15. By now I should be able to talk to a woman without accidentally saying "nipples" or "gusset". Or, or, "Did you know you can make candles out of human fat"'

'Yeah, my boys...my swimmers...my landing party'

'Exactly! I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin and let me tell you that can be a pretty lonely place'

'Well yeah, there's that, but that's not what the boys are wanting is it. See they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad and then suddenly it's..."Oh no! Daylight!"'

'You've got the eyes of ten women. Not in a jar! I wasn't accusing you. I just mean your eyes are really nice'

'I'm full of sperm!'

'Ok...for my boys'

'I'm thirty and I still end up in the girls toilet'

'Listen I'm going to be quite a bit longer in here, so I'll maybe catch you a bit later okay'

'Well I was just passing, yeah, and I thought "Oh, there's Julia's office I'll just pop in and have a chat with Julia" but you weren't here so I thought...next best thing'

'If you think I'm nervous when I'm just talking, you should see me when I'm staying in'

'OK boys! This is it! We're going on, we're going in!'
'THE END OF THE LINE' - Series 2 - Episode 9

"AFTERGLOW"

"BOTTOM"
'Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex'

'Whenever I have sex with Julia it's just so realistic'

'I've got my own private bottom. Anytime I want to see a bottom I just ask Julia. "There's nothing to watch on the telly tonight dear, why don't you pop your arse out?" It's brilliant!'

'Stockings are real. I've seen them'

'You could accidentally swallow three whole pairs all in one go. Trust me'

'Tell you what. I'm not just saying this. Compared to sex with you, masturbation is in it's infancy'

'Am I Dick Darlington yet?'

'No, Susan. I was Dick Darlington'

Quotes compiled with the help of Sue Kirtland

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