COUPLING - SERIES ONE
'FLUSHED' - Series 1 - Episode 1
"PERFORMANCE STRESS"
 'No, not so much can't, he won't...at the last minute he gets all sentimental'

'Close? I've got her cycle in my organizer'

'The zone has a new king, but you will rule alone'

'Quality, nice'

'Who said destroy?...'remove'...'

'Your best friend is dead, but there's a bright side'

'All in the past that, please forget about it'

'Oh my God, the zone really hates you'

'Yeah, but I was only faking it so I wouldn't have to have sex with you'
'Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina...we're just happy if you're naked...half naked...one breast'

'Yeah, during a panic attack - I was blind!'

'No, no! That's the left, we want the good one'
'SIZE MATTERS' - Series 1 - Episode 2

"SOCK GAP"
 'Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation, only not saying much...like Patrick'

'Oh God yeah and there's always this puppy trapped in a car that you're trying to rescue'

'My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers...that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her'

'Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick'

'When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them'
'SEX, DEATH AND NUDITY' - Series 1 - Episode 3

"INTERVIEW STRESS "
'What if I panic? What if I say an accidental word?'

'To know about the giggle loop, is to become part of the giggle loop'

'They might imagine me naked'

'I thought you would notice; I am kinda cool, kinda confident'

'I can't turn off the naked people. I am imagining everybody naked, it's automatic now'

'I could knock off a couple of inches'

'You should see this the way I do'
'INFERNO' - Series 1 - Episode 4

"LESBIANISM"

"HARDMAN"
'Imagine this: Some woman, your mother, your sister, your girlfriend, is even now, without any advance warning, tidying up your flat'

'I bet Patrick could pull lesbians...he'd confuse them with his haircut'

' Well, it's kind of hard to tell isn't it 'cos you tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed. Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in an evening'
'THE GIRL WITH TWO BREASTS' - Series 1 - Episode 5

"FREE SPEECH"

"DISGUSTOIDS"
'I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing that happens they don't get on'

'Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray..?..make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form'

'I am way past the nudity buffer. Be serious'

'She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem'

'I tried smiling at her once, I destroyed the water cooler'

'I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say gusset accidentally?!'

'Ah! You can read...'

'Your ears would be the pride of my ear bucket'

'I forgot how to speak English! I hate it when that happens'

'That's the first good thing that's ever happened to me, ever. Ever, ever, ever'

'Sorry, that was a bit redundant wasn't it'

'She's leaving the country...she doesn't speak English...I insulted her friend's breasts...and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket'

'Both at the same time? Are you mad?'

'I wish to God I knew what any of that meant'

'You know what, there's something I've always wanted to say and, erm, now I feel that at long last I can. Breasts. Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts!'

'I don't know what this is about, but it's brilliant'

'I have no idea what you're saying but don't stop'

'Sorry. I was expecting Shadaim'
'THE CUPBOARD OF PATRICK'S LOVE' - Series 1 - Episode 6

"NAKED"
'There's a supermodel who shags total pratts and I don't know where she lives...'

'It does leave something to the imagination though and your crayons'

'I was seven, I didn't realize a television could do that'

'I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it'

'I like cellulite, it's like a bit of variety isn't it'

'It's not Steve's fault. You can't blame Steve. It's the cupboards fault. There's too much nudity in the cupboard'

'We can't help ourselves. We hone in, we're drawn, like perverted moths''

Quotes compiled with the help of Sue Kirtland

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